And then the oncologist decided, given the severity of the event, a spate of tests needed to be completed to rule out relapse: Bones ache? Schedule a whole body bone scan. Migraine? Follow up with an MRI. And, just to be safe: an extra mammogram and ultrasound to rule out the chance of a local recurrence (another tumour in the breast).
Daily nausea? Increased nerve pain? Back to the family doctor to revisit the medication regime.
Part of the "after" of cancer is living under a microscope. It's a wonderful blessing and an unwelcome interruption. Part of me says, "Calm down, everyone - it was just a really bad headache!" The less reasonable part of my brain says "Please be thorough. Please check every nook and cranny so that I stop waking up in the middle of the night, wondering."
While I wait for the results to come in, I am rethinking the recovery plan. New tests, new meds, new schedule.
Once again, I am so very fortunate to be surrounded by support systems. My employer is sending me a consistent message from every level of the organization: Take the time you need to get healthy. Don't rush back because the job is always going to be there. My husband takes the measure of my energy levels and how big the circles are under my eyes each day, and then just pitches in at home. Friends and family offer love, prayer, and companionship. They understand when I am too tired out to visit; they cheer on my good days and love me through the bad.
And of course there is my pack. They get me out of bed each day, entertain me with their silliness and inspire me by their love of life. I watch them celebrate a beautiful day by rolling in the long meadow grass. Pink tongues loll as they romp through a nearby stream. Their happiness buoys my spirits.
Not everyone who lives with chronic pain and/or in the shadow of cancer has these advantages.
So while I wait for confirmation that everything is just fine, I choose to focus on the blessings and not on the worry.
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